i cannot believe how unmotivated i am when i am home. i can't be bothered doing anything. it's like just being here with my parents sucks all of my energy. i've never suffered from depression but i have studied it and i think the way i feel when i'm here definitely would be classified as depression like symptoms, i mean, if i went to a really dodgy shrink. i know i'm not depressed. i think i'm just bored.

at school there is stuff to do. i can walk everywhere. i live with awesome people. i get my homework done so i can go out and do fun stuff. there is no motivation here to get my homework done... there is no chance of fun stuff. thus the reason i'm wasting time writing an entry about... nothing. i guess i'm a bit self-centred. i'd rather write nothing about myself than do homework. i suck.

i'm having dinner with J and D and another couple tomorrow night. is this how my life is going to be? always the single in a sea of couples. hell, even when i have been part of a couple, my boyfriends' never really did couples' dinners. i'm not really into the whole this is my boyfriend, meet everyone else's partners type of thing. i'm all about having a little space, a little me time.

J TOLD me i was going to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. there was no asking. she said she didn't want to ask me because she knew i'd say thanks but no thanks. apparently this way i have no choice in the matter. maybe this time i'll lay off the booze. the last time i was a bridesmaid i apparently got blind drunk and made an ass of myself on their wedding video. i have no memory of it. but that was years ago and i thought my friend B was mad for getting married so young. i think now i'm a little more mature and supportive. i'm not sure anyone else thinks that though. that's probably why after J told me i had to be a bridesmaid she and D both went on to tell me what types of booze they will be serving. they are not getting married until january... she hasn't got a dress in mind but they know what booze they are having. she's definitely got her priorities straight.

i've been sitting around the house all weekend. i didn't do anything. i have no money so i made this rule for myself. i can't contact anyone about going out because i can't afford to go out, but if someone contacts me then it's ok, if need be i could scrape together a little money. no one called. well that's a lie. someone i swore would never be mentioned in this journal again called. nothing much there. and i got a missed call from L! it was at 4am and i have no idea what he wanted. i tried to call him at a decent hour but his phone was off. so, i'll just pretend he was calling me because he came to the realisation that he 'loves' me. a more likely scenario, he was out, drunk, and maybe someone grabbed his phone and dialed my number. oh well, at least he has my number.

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