i am a complete loser. i am insane. i am delusional. i need to be thrown into the loony bin. someone please save me from myself.

i was stewing over not hearing from my friends on my birthday. gradually one by one everyone ended up wishing me a belated birthday. well everyone except C. the one person that i really wanted to hear from. it wasn't a surprise but i like to think that when he said that we were friends he actually meant it.

so after stewing over it for a day or so, i sent him an email. bad, bad, bad. i didn't write much... just wrote that i thought we were friends and that it would have been nice of him to reply to the text message i sent him. then i wished him a happy life or something like that. it was blunt. and it obviously gave the impression of me being a psycho. i suck. i have entered into nutbar territory. as soon as i clicked send i knew i shouldn't have. there was no need for me to send it. if i get a reply or god forbid, a phone call, it will only be because i made him feel guilty. and if i don't hear back then i have to face the fact that he doesn't care enough about me to feel guilty. ugh! either way just leads to badness.

i'm home for another five days so i've got nothing to take my mind off it. when i'm at school there are so many men and other things to focus on. down here i'm quite isolated. thus the C obsession. i could do the mountains of homework that i have. i could finish sewing the dresses that i have left kinda just tacked together. i could organise some form of accommodation for my teaching rounds that are coming up at the end of april. i have things to do and yet i choose to focus on fucking asshole boy. i don't get me. when did i turn into everything i hate?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

alright. this is the last entry in which i moan about C. i've had enough. he's not in my life. he has a girlfriend. and apparently a psycho ex (me). he's bald. he drinks too much. smokes too much. is bad with his money. gambles too much. he's selfish. he's immature. he lives in denial. writing all that makes me wonder what there is about him that i actually like. but i'm not going to list those because i'm hating him right now.

ok i'm done. see ya later fuck face. you're not worth my time or energy.

that's it. the end of C. well at least in this diary anyway. i'll just vent about C in unsentletter

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