i don't think i'm cut out for teaching. i can't even give a lesson to a class of my peers let alone a bunch of unruly 15 year olds. i don't know why i started this.

i crashed and burned this evening while attempting to give a lesson for my psychology method. i got up the front of the classroom and realised all my notes were jumbled up, then i started forgetting words and couldn't articulate what was in my mind. it was like watching a car crash. i honestly thought i was going to pass out. the teacher afterwards asked me if i was feeling ok. she told me i looked confused and disoriented and thought i must have been sick. maybe i am. maybe it's the stress of everything. maybe i just can't hold it together in front of a class when i have no idea about what i'm teaching. the thing is i knew/know the topic. but for that half hour i lost it. i'm so disappointed with myself. i'm sure that everyone who is giving lessons next week feel much better about their crummy lessons after seeing what a shambles mine was.

ugh. i never get this down on myself for screwing stuff up. what's wrong with me. i have no time for wallowing in self pity. i don't have the time to sit here writing a crappy half-assed diary entry. i've got papers to write, kids to tutor, readings to do, classes to go to and all of this at the same time as lots of doctors appointments which means i have to miss some classes which judging from tonights performance i clearly can't afford to do.

i suck.

right now everything sucks.

i'll get over it.

i need to get some confidence. can anyone tell me where there's a 24 hour liquor store? confidence in a bottle. that's the only way i'll get any right now.

<-|->