i've just been chatting to rockstarboy. now i feel completely pathetic. the biggest loser i know seems to have got his shit together.

he's working and saving money and has made plans to go overseas next year. on one hand i'm so happy for him. he's finally pulling himself out of the gutter where i thought he would spend the rest of his life. he seems happy-ish which is just awesome for him. then on the other hand i think why? why him and not me? why does this man, who has spent the past six years bludging off the government, thinking that everyone owes him something and not giving anything to anyone, suddenly get to turn his life around? when's my time coming? i feel like i'm being ripped off here. and i'm jealous. i feel like i'm constantly waiting. but what am i waiting for? i don't know.

i mean if something like a monotonous production line job can turn rockstarboy's life around how hard can it be for me to find something to turn that corner that i'm desperate to turn. perhaps i'm a snob. perhaps i'm too fussy. perhaps i'm in need of something that will never happen.

i know that i need to save some money. i know that i need to stay away from C. i know i need to stop hanging out in the same old places with the same old people. and i'm trying. but when you're a sarcastic loner it's a little bit difficult to break free. i honestly like who i am, but sometimes i feel like i'm keeping me here, i'm holding myself back. and i don't know what to do about it. i'm too safe. i need to take a risk or two.

"i've been down so long,

that the end must be drawing near"

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