i am a lost cause.

for the past couple of weeks since i last saw C there hasn't been a day when i haven't thought about him. i don't like admitting that. if anyone asked me, i would deny it.

it's frustrating. i don't want to feel this way. if he hadn't mentioned to me that whole thing about not wanting a girlfriend but if he did, he'd want me, i wouldn't be writing this now. i have to remember that C is for cocksucker.

if i was an emotional type, you know someone who was actually comfortable expressing emotion, i would call him and yell at him. i'd tell him to stop fucking with my head. i thought that i was getting over him and every time we speak he says something to me that gives me a glimmer of hope that maybe one day we'll get a second chance.

by no means am i the type of person that has to be with someone to be happy, i like being alone. if i hadn't been with C it's not likely that i'd have been with anyone else, i don't feel the need to go on masses of dates in search of someone, when i met C, i just knew, and i have no doubt that the next one will be the same. i don't need anyone, but i would like someone.

i used to say that couples that break up, broke up for a reason and if they get back together that reason is still there and inevitably the relationship will fail... now i'm not so sure. C didn't really give me a reason as to why he dumped me.

yeah sure he told me he wasn't ready to settle down but i never pressured him about that.

settling down and having a home and kids and growing old is not something i'm ready to face yet. i enjoyed getting blotto every week with C. i enjoyed scraping together the last of our money to buy a pack of cigarettes and a cask of wine. i enjoyed getting really bad pizza (even though i don't like pizza) because it was five bucks. i didn't expect anything more. it was fun.

i have this theory that C thought/thinks i deserve better than cheap wine and pizza. what he doesn't seem to get is that i really like cheap wine. it gives you a buzz and a killer hangover. good times. and anyway i don't care about that, i just wanted to be with him.

but currently i hate him.

and i know he's trying to get on with his life by seeing as many girls as possible, and i'm not ok with that but i can accept it, i just need him to stop telling me that he did what was best for me. he admitted that since we broke up he's not happy with the way things are but that he can't be with me because i deserve more than what he can offer. yeah thanks for having my best interests in mind... you've only caused me to lose half of my friends, killed my social life and more importantly i lost my best friend. he says we're still friends, no we are not. we were never friends. never will be.

ok now i've got that off my chest i feel so much worse. i thought venting was supposed to make you feel better. if this is what it feels like when you let your emotions out, i am going to continue to bottle them up forever.

hopefully that'll do me on the subject of C for a few months. i don't want to be a dweller. i'm more of a denial person. it's warm and cozy in denial. yes, let's get back to there right away.

C who?

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