on saturday night C made me cry.

he's such a dick.

he's seeing someone else. it sucks to hear it, i can't say i was glad about it, but that's not what made me cry.

he told me that she wasn't his girlfriend. he told her about me and that he's not ready to be in a serious relationship. he could have said something like that to me before i spent five years with him. anyway, having been up front with her, she has told him that she wants to be his girlfriend and continues to hang around hoping that she'll change his mind.

well all i can say is if i were her i wouldn't be wasting my time. look, it's quite obvious i still love C, but if in the beginning, when i first met him he had said anything remotely like that to me i wouldn't have waited around.

ok enough with that shit... he's seeing someone else and i have to deal with it. yeah i dealt with it on saturday night by sleeping with him. yeah... i suck.

let's get back to what he said that made me cry.

i have no idea what we were talking about... i was really drunk... but somehow we got to talking about when i was diagnosed with cancer. not really your average nightclub topic of conversation.

he said that he still can't deal with it but the week that i was in hospital was the worst thing he's ever gone through. he's not a guy who's in touch with his emotions, but he told me that every night when he left the hospital he would be tearing up. and even though i always sort of knew it, this is the first time he's ever talked to me about it.

and i just lost it.

we were sitting out on the deck of this night club and i had tears just streaming down my face.

i never cry. i'm so not that girl. i like to bottle up my emotions until something really insignificant and trivial happens and then... *kaboom!*.

well this wasn't one of those occasions it's just i was drunk and it's a touchy subject. thus the tears.

it's probably the hardest thing about this whole cancer saga. i can't deal with how other people feel. i'm so concerned with how other people react that it affects me more than anything else. sure, i cried alot in the first few days after diagnosis. but after that i just cried when i saw and heard how people reacted to it. even now, over eighteen months on it's hard to hear how people were affected. i'm starting to tear up just writing this.

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