i wasn't going to bother writing this but it keeps popping into my mind so i am.

last week j saw c out in a nightclub. big deal right? well thankfully i'd gone home by then because he was kissing some girl. i'm not sure how i would have reacted if i had seen it. by no means would i have approached him or made a scene, but emotionally i probably would have taken it harder than i have. i'll admit when j told me my heart sank a little but i got over it after a couple of cocktails. who says alcohol isn't the answer?

i hung out with s and c on saturday night, we all went to a friend's party together. it was cool. c was a bit tense around me. i told him that j had informed me about the girl and that he didn't need to worry about it because no matter how i felt he's not doing anything wrong, i mean that's what non-attached people do, hell i'd do it if i had the chance. but he still tried to explain himself to me. really not necessary. so he tells me that he wasn't interested in her, that he got her phone number with no intention of calling her, he just wanted to see if he still had 'it'. i'm not quite sure what 'it' is, but he certainly had 'it' when i met him and apparently still does.

i told him that it wasn't cool to play games with people. meaning with me and with these apparently random girls. like he doesn't need to justify his actions to me, i don't want to hear it. i mean if he finds a nice girl who he really likes and has a relationship with then that's fine, but don't tell me about the random girls who he's just using to make himself feel better. i didn't know c was one of those guys. he's a dick.

and everyone keeps on telling me that i can do way better than c. so how come he's going out picking up random girls and i'm sitting at home alone? don't get me wrong i don't want c back, i love him probably always will have a soft spot in my heart for him but i don't want him. he was a shitty boyfriend and i realise that now.

everyone tells me that i'm gorgeous.

they tell me that i'm intelligent and witty.

they tell me that i'm generous and kind.

am i missing something here?

according to all the people i know, be it close friends or acquaintances, male and female, i'm a winner. so where's my trophy?

it's my birthday on sunday... all i want is a clean bill of health (not possible) and a kiss from a random cute man. i've six days to work my magic.

<-|->