ok so a week or so has passed and the intruders are gone and i got offered a job and everything still sucks ass.

i'm thrilled to have my space back. but i have been wondering about why it bothered me so much having people around. i think i might be turning into a hermit. and while i like my space and my own company i realise that it is probably not all that healthy to be alone all the time. i'm 25 for christ's sake. i should be out there drinking and partying and socialising and meeting men and all the things that you do when you're 25 single and have no responsibilities. while i don't mind going out for a bit of a tipple i have found lately that i am turning into a pumpkin around midnight and going home to watch tv. it's so sad.

and the job situation... well yes i was offered a job at the winery. problem. it's only a casual position and they don't have any shifts for me until june. yes june. she seemed pretty surprised when i told her thanks but i'll keep looking for work elsewhere. i mean does she really expect me to wait until june for a casual position? she told me that she'll give me a call sometime about my shifts, i won't hold my breath.

i might have to force myself into social situations. i don't want to, but i know that if i don't the next time i assess my life i'll be 40 and still living with my parents, still a loner, god forbid still unemployed.

cameron and his mates were here the other night and discussing their ten year highschool reunion. while not entirely happy with their lives they've all accomplished something. my ten year reunion will be next year and i don't want to play the cancer card. yes it is a valid reason for the state of my life right now but if it hadn't happened i'm not sure if i'd be any closer to achieving anything. i know i would be working. but where? i have no idea.

never really had any big goals. maybe that's my problem. i'm not the girl who always wanted to be married with children. i'm not the girl with the drive to be top of the corporate ladder or any ladder for that matter. i don't care if i'm rich. never imagined being swept off my feet by prince charming. am i concerned? yeah i am. if you don't have any goals what have you got to motivate you in life.

and it concerns me even more with this ticking time bomb in my brain. i mean you always hear about younger people who die and people say that they lived their lives to the fullest and were bubbly and vivacious and always happy and blah blah blah. that's gotta be bullshit. i mean there have to be people like me out there. i'm not like this because of the tumour, this is how i was before and how people will remember me. sarcastic, aloof, mediocre, a loner.

don't misunderstand me, i like the way i am, only sometimes do i wish that i was different.

shit look at all this crap i write. i only wanted to write about the job and the fact that i have my space back and somehow i end up writing all this shit about how i have no life. i'm alive therefore by default i have a life. stop complaining. my parents always said i was a whiney child, looks like i haven't changed much. only now it not only annoys others it also annoys me.

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