i went to see c. i gave him a book for his birthday which is tomorrow. he told me that i shouldn't have which in man speak i interpreted as 'does this mean i have to get you a birthday present now, because i have no idea when it is'. i don't want a present. i like shopping, buying gifts for people gives me an excuse to spend money.

i came to the conclusion today sitting on the couch at c's that i don't want to be with him. he's not ready to grow up, i'm not willing to wait for something that may never happen. my whole problem with the c situation is that i haven't really been doing anything much since i was diagnosed with cancer in september 2004. but because i was with c i had company and someone to talk to and to just do nothing with. since we broke up i have continued to do pretty much what i had been doing but with noone else. doing nothing by yourself sucks ass. it can be surprisingly draining

i think i'm becoming one of those people i can't stand. people who read so much into every little thing. people with nothing better to do than think and think about things that are trivial and really inconsequential. i've never been like that. rockstarboy is like that. and i can't stand that about him. it's irritating. must have something to do with being unemployed... too much free time to dwell. i guess... well what else are we going to do? it's not like you can just stop thinking. but from this day on i refuse to dwell on things that i can't control. i'm getting my course work this week so i'll be able to put my overactive brain to some good use and focus on my studies rather than my lack of a life. then maybe one will just happen.

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