i'm a little bit sad. and very pissed off.

i was talking to rockstarboy. yeah i know, bad start. he's had a really bad day and was telling me all about it... then started on about how unhappy he is. i listened, gave him some advice which he didn't want to hear and then *kaboom*. he started insulting me and criticising my relationship with c. he said that everyone told me that it wasn't going to work out with him, and yet i still pursued it. i bluntly said to rockstarboy "that's because i loved him". he always thought that i was with c because he was the next best thing if i couldn't be with rockstarboy. i told him to get over himself and that's when he started to get quite nasty. he called me a cocktease, that all these years... in which he's had numerous girlfriends... he's held onto the love we share, but it's dead now, and that he couldn't give a shit if he ever saw or spoke to me again. that's fine. i mean if he's been hanging onto the embers of our teenage passion all these years and can just extinguish them, then all the more power to him. but i know him. and he's a dweller. and all of this shit that he said to me tonight was probably him venting his frustrations... but he's never been mean to me. so maybe he meant it.

and i'm pissed off that the most unstable man that i know is criticising my life. he thinks i've wasted my time at uni and work and that i should be like him and just follow my dreams. well making dreams reality requires money and i'm not prepared to live in poverty just so twenty years down the track i can have some meagre success. he then had the balls to ask me what i'm currently doing with my life. my exact words were "geez, i'm sorry, you're right, i've only been battling a terminal disease for the past eighteen months, i really need to be following my dreams". well actually at the moment my dream is to remain cancer free for the rest of my life. he told me not to use that against him, and while i knew it would upset him i wasn't just using it to get to him, it's a fact. there's no way around it.

i told him if he didn't want to maintain our friendship i wouldn't bother him anymore and hung up.

so eight years of friendship isn't officially over but is certainly on the rocks. he's never been mean before. and that's kinda sad.

so my circle of friends continues to get smaller.

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