last night i had another marathon chat session with rockstarboy. that's the thing with rockstarboy, he doesn't do things half assed.

i on the other hand, try to get away with doing everything half assed. and that's one of the things we discussed. how different our personalties are. he's decided that we will never be anything more than friends because of this. while this is a welcome relief, i asked him to imagine what a relationship with someone exactly like himself would be like. he admitted that it would be highly volatile and too intense, that it would inevitably be doomed.

i think i pissed him off. we were talking about how unhappy he is. and i just couldn't take it. what has he got to be unhappy with? he moved away from all his friends and family to pursue his dream. and that's exactly what he's been doing. he wanted to play all the clubs and venues that we used to go to... he's done that. he wanted to release an independent album... done that. he wanted to mix with new people, try new things, schmooze with people in the music industry... done that too. i (always comes back to me, it is my diary after all) on the other hand have spent the past year and a half not doing anything apart from trying to live as normal a life as possible. i'm living with my parents in bumfuck nowhere, not doing anything i had hoped to. now let's compare... yeah i agree rockstarboy should be terribly unhappy with his life. i explained all this to him and then said that even though i'm not where i want to be... i'm pretty happy, there really isn't any reason to not be, i can't change anything. he told me i didn't understand. he's right, i have no fucking idea what's going on in his head.

i think that he thrives on pain. you know when you've lived with something for so long that if you let it go, you wouldn't know yourself. i don't think he would know what to do if he wasn't self absorbed, dwelling on his inner turmoil. i say SUCK IT UP!

look i know that people aren't all happy go lucky but complaining to me about what a shit hand god has given you isn't going to make me feel for you. even if my life was perfect, i'm not the confide in and expect a sympathetic response person. by all means i'll give you a shoulder to cry on as long as you know after you've finished crying i'm gonna tell you to suck it up and give you a smack in the back of the head.

i'm so compassionate.

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