it's official... i have to change my msn messenger name. i have to get a new account, it's that simple.

rockstarboy is driving me crazy. everytime i'm online he chats to me. that's fine... but it's getting ridiculous. he says that he can't spend six hours a day chatting to me, i told him that he didn't have to. just because we're online at the same time it does not mean that we have to chat. i won't be insulted. i'd be relieved.

i know that i could just not talk to him. i could sign off, but the thing is he's entertaining me. i can chat to him, have a bit of a laugh while i'm writing or surfing. it's just that it seems that he's not doing anything else. all his focus is on me...

he says i'm a prude because i don't want to talk about sex with him. he's says i'm boring because i don't like everything he likes. he says i'm weird because... well i'm not really sure why. but yet he insists on chatting to me. if i'm so prudish, boring and weird why continue talking?

i agreed to go into the city today and see him. as soon as we arranged it i started thinking of excuses to not go... i was going to call him this morning and say i couldn't make it, but to my surprise when i got out of bed he'd already left a couple of messages saying that he was sick. yay! i went back to bed and slept the rest of the morning. i'll just see him at his gig in a couple of weeks, rockstarboy is too much over the internet, in person it's completely suffocating and quite hilarious.

tomorrow i'll either be celebrating the end of chemo, or will spend the day hooked up to a drip, pondering another year like last year. but i guess whatever's best for my health is what i should care about. i just can't imagine lying around for another year while everyone around me moves on in their lives.

when i was in school i was voted most likely to succeed. i think that's a pretty shit thing, like noone else is capable of having a successful life? hmmm... well everyone else seems to have achieved some level of success, i haven't achieved anything. i'm not a very ambitious person, but i would have liked to maybe have a tick in one box of my lifes to do list. ugh... look at me complaining like some whiney bitch, in no way do i have anything to complain about... i just sometimes like to be a bit self centred.

god i so deserve a cocktail... or ten.

<-|->