god, just when i thought i was done with c he calls me. mind you i did play it very cool and had a definite i don't give a shit attitude. he just called to say happy new year. i'm so glad i didn't call him last night and abuse him like i was going to.
last night i got very wasted, very fast. people i hadn't seen in ages all asked me where c was. it sucked. i was so tired of telling people that we broke up. hopefully now everyone who ever knew about c knows that it's over.
but when i got home, i was angry. i don't know why... well maybe because i've been bottling up my anger not just towards c but towards everyone, towards everything, i mean... it's been a pretty shitty year. so i got home and i had my phone by my bed and was thinking of all the horrible things that i could say to hurt c as much as he and everything else the past year has hurt me. i lay there thinking for about an hour, then realised that this was not the way to start the new year. i put down the phone, took a deep breath, and told myself that this year will be better. i just hope that i'm right.
...oh and to continue on from yesterdays entry, rocstarboy...
here's an excerpt from our chat... he is so over the top.
Rockstarboy: and cancer, hair loss or anything else I WILL alway's love you
Lily: i know
Rockstarboy: and I know that sarcasm is yr strongest feature defense mechanism If I was there with you right now I'd hug the b'jesus out of you I can't begin to imagine yr fear and sadness regardless of sarcastic denial
Lily: i have no fear or sadness
Lily: i'm not dying the whole cancer thing may shorten my life by ten years or so and the whole diabetic thing will also shorten my life by 10 years, so instead of dying at 90 i die at 70. big deal
Rockstarboy: I can't even to begin to imagine how many lonely tears you've shed, but I can tell u right now now that when I found out about your illness, the tears that I shed for many night would come close to all the salt in the ocean
Lily: get over it! i appreciate the concern but it's really not that bad
Rockstarboy: well I can't tell you that "You don't know what I went through", because U know better
Lily: i understand that people were really affected by it. but for me to be strong and overcome it all, i can't dwell on it, and people telling me how upset they are about it just reminds me about how bad it could possibly get.
after that i thought he might get off the topic... but no everything is all about rockstarboy...
Rockstarboy: Lily, everytime I think about it I fucking cry, because I was out of yr life for so long When s delivered the news to me, part of me died that day
Lily: rockstarboy don't be such a drama queen
just imagine that sort of intense, over the top conversation for the better part of eight hours. draining. and kinda scary. he thinks i'm not taking things seriously.
Rockstarboy: The truth is I absolutely love you in all terms and I think that even though we have met alot of people in between these years you and I are beautiful souls that have finally found their place amongst each other's hearts till the day I die
huh? it doesn't even make sense. but it's always a pick me up when talking to rockstarboy. he's fulll of shit, but at least he's not afraid to look like a fool.
he'll be absolutely mortified if he knew that i posted parts of our conversation here. good thing he'll never know.
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