i began writing an entry last night... but was interrupted so often i couldn't keep my train of thought.

i was chatting online with rockstarboy... by the time i managed to convince him i had to go to bed we'd been chatting for almost eight hours. yes... my eyes were blurry, i had a headache, i was over the whole thing.

the whole thing started out quite nice, we made small talk, talked about trivial things, all was good. then somehow it turned serious. i should have known, with rockstarboy everything is serious.

he loves me. i know. he thinks i'm his one true love. i know. he said something about being his high school sweetheart? ah, no. yeah, when we were in school we dated and fooled around for a couple of months but that does not constitute 'sweethearts'. he remembers the most stupid trivial things. it's kinda nice though. he's way too in touch with his emotions. on the other hand i'm not.

anyway, we always flirt with eachother but it never leads to anything. so we're chatting with obvious flirtatious tones, and he starts asking me what everyone would think if we started seeing eachother. warning bells should have sounded but they didn't. i continued on with stuff like... "why would we care what they think?" and "no one would give a shit" that sort of thing. rockstarboy asks me what i'm doing tonight... and of course i have plans with j... so he says that he'll come down from the city to see me. the warning bells started going off... a little too late. so i had to do some fast talking, to make sure that he wasn't getting the wrong idea. and of course he was.

i managed to convice him that while i might be interested in pursuing something,it was all a matter of really bad timing. i'm not looking for a boyfriend. and he's so intense, if i was looking for something it would be some light hearted fun. he accepted that. he knows he's intense, he knows that he should lighten up, but he can't change who he is. blah...

plus i don't want to ruin the friendship we have. it's all fucked up with c now, thus alienating me from all the mutual friends we had, i don't know any of rockstarboy's friends but i wouldn't want a possibly doomed relationship to fuck up our friendship. did that make any sense? no, i don't think it did.

he told me that he felt guilty. he wasn't going to tell me what he felt guilty about... so i pushed for more information. years ago when c and i had only been together for a few months, rockstarboy shagged j. big deal right? i didn't care. he reckons he's felt guilty all these years... apparently he slept with j to get closer to me. hmmm... not sure how that works, shagging my bestfriend gets him closer to me, well it didn't make us any closer, but it didn't come between us.

damn there's lots of stuff to write. i might have to make this a two parter....

to be continued...

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