i can't fucking take it.

i know i'm becoming the psycho ex-girlfriend that i swore i'd never be and i hate it, but on the other hand i think i've been too cool for too long. i'm about to explode.

i think about c everyday. i would like to think that he still thinks about me every now and then. i mean you can't be with someone for five years, break up and then forget about them in an instant.

i didn't write about it earlier because i thought i was cool with it. but i'm so not. on christmas eve, c told me about some girl that wanted to shag him. i know that he's going to see other people, i mean if he wasn't why would he break up with me. but he said that she came home with him and he wasn't interested. but he must have been interested enough to bring her back to his place, invite her to share his bed, and then at the last minute not shag her. i don't care whether he did or didn't. i mean she was in his bed and that's about all i care about. but i was quite drunk on christmas eve so it didn't even register, he told me all about this other girl, then proceeded to try and shag me. now to me that's kind of low. why would he even tell me about it? does he want to hurt me? if so he succeeded

anyway so i'm at the pub tonight and i decide to call c and see if he wants to join us for a drink. he doesn't. he's on his way home. i tell him that i need to talk to him. i know, scary. he asks me what about and i'm in the pub, so it's loud and i don't want to yell down the phone hoping he'll hear me, especially since what i want to say to him isn't exactly pub type conversation, so i say 'stuff'. he asks what stuff, and i say us stuff. silence. so he tells me to call him tomorrow, and we say bye.

so i'm sitting there thinking about what i'm going to say to him. i decide that since i'm in the area and he's at home i'll leave my friends at the pub and go have a chat with him, and depending on how the 'talk' goes i'll either be back in half an hour to drown my sorrows or i'll be back to celebrate.

well neither of those things happened. i went to his place and no one was home. i tried to call him, conveniently his phone rang out. i left a message, but got no reply.

all i want to say to him is we can't be friends. by his reaction to my phone call and messages he doesn't really seem to think that we are friends. it's foolish to think that we can maintain a friendship, since the day we met there was something between us, and it hasn't gone away, well at least not for me.

god i hate feeling like this.

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