well the torture of christmas is over. i'm tired.

i got some nice presents, i slept, i ate and drank but i wasn't very merry. luckily christmas with my family is a very low key affair, i have hardly any relatives in australia and thus at lunch we have a grand total of six people. my parents, my brother, my grandmother and my uncle.

the lack of merriment came from the lack of sleep and a severe hangover from the festivities on christmas eve. but it's tradition amongst my friends, we cannot face our families on christmas day with a clear head.

i stayed at c's last night. well i wasn't exactly there for very long. we stumbled back to his place around five and i called my brother to come pick me up around seven. thus the compulsion to close my eyes and use the keyboard as a pillow.

c wanted to kiss and cuddle and be all nice and sweet towards me, but i had to push him away. he asked why, i told him i had my reasons but i wasn't going to tell him. i wasn't going to tell him that while i'm fine with being friends, i'm not fine with the affection that he shows me one day and being ignored the next. i have experienced that sort of friendship before and it hurts too much and really just makes me feel like shit.

i once had a relationship with a guy, that ended but we remained close friends. i was still interested in him and every now and then he would feel lonely and i would be there for him, and i knew that it meant nothing, but it always gave me the hope that one day he would realise that i was the one and not just a backup at the end of the night. it never happened. i'm still friends with him but would never be like that again with anyone. especially c, because it's obvious that even though i say that i'm getting over him, i'm really not.

but just as gloria gaynor said "i will survive". god i love that song.

my brother gave me the best book today, it's called '1001 albums you must hear before you die' the list spans the past fifty years. i went through them all and actually own around 100 of the albums on the list. i'm determined to own all 1001. just need to get me some money.

i'm supposed to go to fon and kian's wedding tomorrow, if i feel even remotely like i do today, i won't be going.

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