i want to go out tonight. i shouldn't. i want to see c and ignore him. i can't. i want to feel better. not going to happen.

feeling under the weather and being dead bored isn't a good combination. usually when i'm bored i hop on the treadmill or i work on my novel. i can't be bothered today, i think the doctors were onto something. they told me that the longer i'm undergoing chemo, the worse i'm going to feel. i don't feel sick or anything, it's like having a permanent hangover without the fun night before. which i suppose is more of an incentive to go out and have a bender. like i need a reason.

hmmm... food for thought.

c is playing games with me, and i don't like it. every time we speak which is about once a week he tells me how much he misses me. now if i broke up with him i could understand him telling me. but he doesn't seem to get it, he dumped me, he brought it on himself. and when i see him out at the bars and clubs that we both frequent, he makes a beeline towards me and then spends all his time talking to me. i know why he does this, he doesn't want me talking to anyone else.

so i go out of my way to talk to as many men as possible. i'm hot, he's not. haha. i'm not interested in any of them, but i figure that if c sees that i'm not sitting around waiting for him to get his shit together, it might inspire him to become who he wants to be. but the way he's been fucking with my mind this past couple of months, i'm becoming more and more glad that we're not together.

i've made up my mind, if i can convince someone to go out with me tonight, tomorrow i will have an actual hangover, not just a faux one. sue me. i like to get slaughtered.

continued at 6:10pm

surprise surprise, c just called me. he says that we need some space between us. yes, i know. i told him if he wanted to have some space, he should not spend all his time talking to me when we see eachother out, and he should stop asking me to stay at his house. i said maybe we needed to see eachother in a sober state, and then we might be able to be friends. i also mentioned that if he kept up the mind games, i didn't think i would want to hang out with him. he said he's not playing games, and i'm sure in his mind he's not, but it's definitely doing my head in.

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