you would think staying home on a friday night would have been the best thing for me. it wasn't. i feel really sick today. i mean if i had gone out and drank a whole lot at least i would have a valid reason for feeling so yuck.

and that's not the worst thing. last night i received several phone calls from c and rockstarboy. why does god hate me so much?

if anyone else had been calling me, i would have felt positively popular, instead i just felt like shit.

rockstarboy is only calling me because he has nothing in his life and he remembers the good times we had back in highschool and thinks that he's in love with me. if i showed any interest in him he would run. it's been eight years, get over it. if he really cared for me he would have come to visit me when i was in hospital last year. i haven't seen him in person in over two years. oh yeah, he's in love. plus, the only time he calls me is at the end of the night, around two or three in the morning and he obviously hasn't had any luck with the ladies. oh i feel all warm and fuzzy inside, i get to be the backup girl.

i'm not too sure why c is calling me. he's the one who has been talking about 'space'.

fuck them, they don't know what they want.

i know what i want.

i wan't things with c to be cool. whether that means us sorting our relationship out and getting back together or just cooling off, and moving on, i just need to not be in this perpetual state of limbo. god, it sounds like this has been going on forever, it's only been two months. i think it feels longer to me because i'm not working and have loads of free time.

i want rockstarboy to be relatively sane. i want him to be happy. i understand that he has some problems that he needs to work through. and i want to help him, but i don't think i can. i don't want to be with him, and i don't want him to get the wrong idea.

you know what their problem is? it's me. i'm way too easy going, beautiful and friendly. darn my upbringing. if i was a cold hearted ugly bitch they wouldn't have this warped view of me. haha.

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