ok so i think i'm a fairly intelligent person so what i can't understand is why i am so irresponsible when it comes to my life. i'm responsible in every aspect of life that effects others but when it comes to things to do with me personally i'm a train wreck.

this week has proven to me that i need to seriously reassess the way i live my life. nothing bad has happened this week, but i have not been living a healthy lifestyle and this past week has got to be up there with one of the worst.

i have been out drinking every night this week. not just a drink or two, i'm talking maybe 15-20 drinks per night. that's not healthy for anyone but as a person with many medical conditions i know my actions are totally stupid. and i know it when i'm drinking... but i just take another drink to try and suppress the thoughts.

so there has been a reason for a couple of nights on the town. my best friend in the house i live when i'm at school is going back to canada and we had a couple of farewell shindigs planned and we both like a drink. however two nights this week i have gone to bars alone. i am so stubborn that when people cancel plans to go out with me i can't stay at home. i have to prove to them and myself that i don't need them to have a good time. and of course a lone relatively attractive female sitting at a bar is going to get some attention. mostly unwanted though.

on wednesday my friends decided after the huge night we had on tuesday they couldn't do another one. so i walked into town by myself and sat at a bar by myself and drank gin. after maybe an hour this guy asks me if i would like to join him and his friend. i made some crack about them thinking i was lonely and pathetic and when they agreed with me i knew they had to be alright. they were. they were small town country boys in the area for business... well at some point the friend leaves (i was so drunk i didn't even realise until much later) and it's just me and this very cute, very young and very drunk guy. i'm not in the habit of taking home strangers, but for some reason i did bring him back to my house and my room right across the hall from the RA and right next to the house busybody. i must have been out of my mind. it was fun though.

got a bit off track there... the point is that i'm hurting myself by behaving like this. i need to cut down on the boozing, i need to get some rest, and not drink so much that i lose my sense. i think i wrote about something similar to this when i went home with a couple of guys a couple of months ago after a night of heavy drinking and didn't have a clue where i was. so far, it's been fun, i haven't had a bad experience but i shouldn't tempt fate... the fact that it's becoming more common for me to behave stupidly means that i'm upping my chances of running into trouble. and not just with random men... i'm more concerned about my health. my body has turned on itself enough that i shouldn't be contributing to the development of any other problems, and i know that what i am doing right now is definitely leading me down that path.

i don't know why i do what i do. having studied psychology we have been led to believe that people who are substance abusers and live recklessly are in pain. they have no self worth. things along those lines. i know that i have a slight lack of confidence in social settings but that's not a reason to behave the way i do.

all the girls in the house are going to see a movie tonight... i told them if i was going out tonight i would be going to a bar or club. one of them said to me you can't keep going out you are going to kill yourself. she was kinda half joking but if you could see me right now i look like i'm dying, quite frankly i feel like i am, and yet i probably will go out tonight. what the fuck is wrong with me?

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