rockstarboy proposed to me. he didn't take the rejection well. i have no idea why he would have thought i would say yes considering we're not in a relationship. so apparently i am now dead to him and he never wants to see or speak to me again. i'm sure we'll be speaking by the end of next week. that's just how he is. maybe i should rename him psychodramaqueen.

so i know that i made a pact with myself never to mention a certain ex in this diary again but this is just too fucked up to dismiss. last night C told me that he still loves me. that his feelings haven't changed even though he dumped me almost two years ago. i hadn't seen or spoken to him in two months and last week he just calls to see how i'm doing. then i came home from school for the week and i was out last night with J and i see him. he is still with his girlfriend. he doesn't want to be but he's too chicken to break up with her. he said he feels guilty about still loving me and yet being with her. then i mentioned to him that i too still feel the same way about him. and then he just shoots me down and says "we can't". what the fuck? i love him, he loves me, but "we can't"? he wouldn't tell me why. so that's it. i give up. not that i've spent the past six months hoping for something to happen but he finally opens up to me says what i already knew and then i get "we can't". so i guess that's it. it's out there now and i'm left feeling... i don't know. i'm not sad. i'm not hurt. i'm not angry. i'm... i suppose slightly confused. but i feel like this whole story of me and C is just getting tired. he says we can't, well i say i can't. i can't do this anymore. he loves me and that's great. but he's a strange screwed up man, and maybe in time he'll sort his head and heart out but unfortunately it may just be too late.

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