last night i drank a little too much. it was fun. i have a headache. not so much fun.

i went out with S and C. i love those guys. i am always guarenteed non-stop stupidity with hilarious consequences. like when S threw a lighter at C's head and it cut his forehead open. it doesn't seem so funny now in the sober light of day, but i can assure you in our drunken state last night it was champagne comedy.

it's almost been a year since C and i broke up. and while there is still something there i think we are becoming better at being 'just friends'.

it still sucks to hear that he's going out and picking up girls. i lied and told him that i was casually seeing some guys, and was very relieved when i detected a bit of jealousy mixed in with dissapointment coming from him. after a bit of awkwardness all coming from him he started talking to me about why he broke up with me. i told him it had been a year and we couldn't keep re-hashing what happened otherwise neither of us would be able to move on, and the whole purpose of breaking up is to move on to something else.

blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, basically he loves me, he felt that he was holding me back and thought it was for the best. i knew all of that. of course you can't just take it on face value, you have to read between the lines. the between bits read 'i want to see if there's anything better out there'. or perhaps something like 'i am gay', or possibly 'i cheated on you while you were overseas and i can't bare the guilt' or maybe it's simply like that book says 'i'm just not that into you'. but really that's the problem with reading between the lines you just never actually know. so i choose to be naive and accept what C tells me. there's no point one year later analysing it. it's not going to change anything.

i'm not one to believe in fate. i never say that everything happens for a reason. that saying is for people who have never had anything truly bad happen to themselves. there was no reason for me to get cancer, there was no reason for my friend to throw herself off a bridge. it's bullshit. but for some reason when it comes to C i think if it's meant to be, it will be. a total contradiction i know. but who knows what will happen. hopefully i'll go away to uni next year, have a decent amount of time away from C and if the feelings are still there between us in a year or two then maybe we can discuss something. i'm not pining for him anymore, i'm not that obsessed psycho ex-girlfriend that i feared i was turning into several months ago, i am comfortable with my life at present.

"If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was..."

i guess deep down underneath it all i'm a closet romantic. tell anyone and i'll slap you.

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