so i made it through last night.

there were some good times and then there were the expected dreaded shoot me in the head right now and put me out of my misery moments.

SFK were fabulous. as always.

like i mentioned yesterday, i went alone. luckily for me i've got personalised plates on my car and while i was psyching myself up to go in alone a few friends saw my car and came to hello. so i tagged along with them. that was cool.

a little while later C arrived with his lady friend. it was awkward. he asked me if i wanted to be introduced to her and i bluntly said no. he then proceeded to tell me how uncomfortable it was for him. oh gee, i'm so sorry that he was uncomfortable. i asked him to put himself in my shoes and walked away to talk to someone else.

once the bands started i left the front bar and went into the band room by myself. about half an hour later i get a message on my phone from C asking me where did i go? he's with his fucking lady friend and wondering about me? that is so not cool. he is so frustrating!

i didn't respond and spent the rest of the night trying to avoid him. i was quite successful until the end of the night. i went outside to have a smoke and C comes up behind me and asks where i have been all night. he was worried about me, that he didn't care about the girl he was with that he cared about me. i flat out said to him that i was avoiding him.

he apologised for making me feel uncomfortable. and again i asked him to put himself in my shoes. what if i was there with someone, how would he react? and he said to me that he probably would react the same way i did. but i made it clear to him that i wouldn't put him in that situation. he knew i was going to the show before he even bought tickets for him and whatever her name is.

and i know it's a free country and we live in a very small and incestuous community, everyone knows everyone (last night i thought i wouldn't see anyone i knew and i saw like 15 people) and we're going to see each other around but if i knew that he was definitely going to be somewhere and i was seeing someone else i just wouldn't go. or at the very least i wouldn't parade him about in front of C.

so like the past few times i've seen him i have made it clear to C how i feel. i told him that i have accepted the fact that he doesn't want to be with me. and i just have to deal with it. but i can't move on if he keeps cornering me and telling me how much he cares. i know he's just keeping me around for his own selfish needs.

he did make it clear that he was going to end the 'relationship' with this girl but it didn't have anything to do with me. does he think that i'm that full of myself? obviously. although i do think that he mentioned that it had nothing to do with me because he didn't want me to get my hopes up about 'us'. and that's cool. but you know what, it doesn't matter who the girl is, i'm just not ready to be friends with C or any girl he's fucking. in time it would be nice... but i know it's not likely. and that kinda sucks.

oh and to put salt on the wound... i saw L there. and he has a girlfriend now! nnnnooooooo! oh well it was never gonna happen anyway. i can still lust after him though.

and you know what... i'm way hotter than the girl that C is with she's the complete opposite of me in everyway. she's a whole foot shorter than me... she's 4'11 and i'm 5'11, she's blonde and outgoing, whereas i'm dark and bitter. his friend's don't like her and i must say that even though i might come off sounding like a bitch, i feel really good about that.

wow, that was a seriously long entry. congratulations to anyone who has got to here.

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