what am i feeling? is this jealousy? is it sadness? is it nausea?

a friend of mine just informed me that she's getting married. i know i should be happy for her but instead of happiness there is this other feeling and i think it might be tinted green. why am i jealous? i don't like her fiance... not even sure if i really like her, if we hadn't bonded in high school i'm pretty sure i wouldn't befriend her now.

i don't get it. have i become one of those people that can't be happy for other people? god i hope not. it's just when she told me, the first thing i thought was 'i don't want to hear about it'. then i got this feeling in my gut that just won't go away. and i know it's because i'm jealous. i'm jealous of happy couples. i'm jealous of people that seem to have their lives on track. it seems the older i get the more resentful i get. i want to know why other people get to be happy. why do i always draw the short straw?

this year has been so much better than the last three but i'm losing my momentum. all year i really felt like i was moving forward but now moving back down here i feel like i'm just going to slip back into the nothingness. and hearing that my friends are all moving forward in their lives just makes me feel even worse. i'm not saying that marriage is necessarily something i want, but i would like something. like maybe a job. maybe a place of my own. maybe a second date with a man that i actually like. maybe being the first choice rather than the backup plan. i don't know, i just feel... empty? is that the right word? i don't think so, but it will do.

it's weird. i'm jealous. i'll admit that. but it's not the actual stuff, the material goods, or even the man or loving feeling that these people obviously share... i think it's the feeling of hope that they have. because nothing is certain in life so they hope things will work out for the best, be it in marriage, or a career, or buying a home, or living day to day life... all the stuff that regular people do. i used to live in hope that things would change, and they have, but i'm tired of struggling for everything that i want. i put in so much to get so little in return. i think i'm losing the ability to be hopeful. and that saddens me more than anything else. because what am i without hope?

jeez, i need to suck it up, stop being so melodramatic and be happy for others. i don't like this bitter and resentful me. i am better than this. aren't i?

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